I'm sorry to share such dark thoughts and emotions, but I just feel a strong need to be completely transparent. It's overwhelming when you feel like your heart is in the right place, but no matter what good you try to do for the Kingdom and no matter how hard you seek to worship God and find His will for your life, you can never seem to catch a break. I am human, and I don't like to suffer!
I can't imagine how Paul was able to sing praises to God in his prison cell. I feel bound by my life sometimes, and it is hard for me to just put on a smile in the midst of the pain, much less make a joyful noise to the Lord. However, times like these are when I need to worship the most, because worship changes us. It puts us before a holy God so that He can deal with us as He sees fit.
So right now, I will worship through music, prayer and the Word. It may not be a joyful offering, but thankfully I have a God who understands how I feel, a God who will extend grace and strength if I will wait on Him. So, I will worship, and I will wait for I have no other choice.
"But those who wait on the Lord will find new strength. They will fly high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint."
Isaiah 40:31 NLT
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Oh hun, I am so sorry that you are feeling so low. I feel like we havent even chatted much and sooooo much has been happening for us both... we need to skype soon!!
ReplyDeletekeep holding on - after having such breakthroughs in your church worship and even in feeling like you can personally drop your guard and throw away the masks - this is to be expected... this is the testing, this is the proving ground, the threshing floor, the refiners fire... this is the test on what you have learned of late... Stand firm and don't let your peace be stolen. You are in the right place to become the gold!! love ya xxx
Thank you so much for the encouragement! I am trying to hold on with every once of strength I have. Some hurtful things have happened, but I am trying to believe that the Lord will deal with those who are rising up against me. I am trying to stay put and not run away from the pain, but instead focus on what He has in store for me. Sometimes, it is just so hard to see the sun through the clouds!
ReplyDeletethats for sure!!! but it's behind there somewhere :)
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